Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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