you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
