My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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