...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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