because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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