i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize