No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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