kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize