I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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