woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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