please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I wish there were birth control emojis
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
