I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
