her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
