NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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