dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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