I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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