This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
