just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
