How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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