OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
