I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it hurts more in the daytime
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
