i can't believe i had my finger in that
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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