so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
