i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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