I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
