The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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