Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
