I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
