All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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