Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can you bring me the toilet please
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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