I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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