I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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