don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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