I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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