I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
