the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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