Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
