JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
