Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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