When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
