whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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