he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
