We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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