My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
