dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
