I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize