I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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