I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
