She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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