you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
