he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
