He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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