When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
