I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
