my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
