he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
