From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
