Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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