C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
