Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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