Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
