I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
