I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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