Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
