Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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