It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
