Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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