Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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