That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
sex in a hospital.. check
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
