it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
