i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
