Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
