I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
