Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
