i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
