so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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