And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Shame - the story of my life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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