Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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